Have ever thought about what makes a person commit suicide? September is suicide awareness month, so I’m late in writing,
I am open about my suicide attempts. As a hormonal teen I found myself bullied and unable to cope with what they said to me. I felt I had no one to talk to. Before you jump on the “Christian” bandwagon, I was a Christian.
That’s a myth that if you have Jesus in your life you won’t want to die. I had Him in my life, attended every church activity that was happening, and yet I desperately felt I didn’t belong here, I wanted to not exist.. In some ways I became invisible.
Another myth is that you can’t go to heaven if you take your life. “I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.” (John 10:28) Jesus’ words tell us that truth. (Please note I am not supporting the decision to end your life, merely explaining a few things.
My attempts were because of how others made me feel. Broken people hurt and sometimes destroy others. Their brokenness needs to feel better so they put others down, make fun of them (especially with an audience), or just make up stuff to tell others.
Closed doors are just that, CLOSED. What happens behind them is private. In my family you don’t talk about family matters. You don’t talk about your brother’s choices. You surely don’t talk ill about your Mother. There were consequences if you broke that rule. Threats were made, severe spankings, and verbal assaults were some of the consequences.
Over the years growing up, the comments and lectures I received took their toll. I felt as if I should have never been born. I didn’t have any self-esteem. I was told I wasn’t pretty. All of these things played into my “why”.
Whenever I was bullied and felt unloved (uninvited, unwanted), I would become depressed. Not every bout of depression lead to suicidal thoughts. But if it was bad enough, I went there. (Still go there at times.) But my story continues today because in my darkest moments, I cried out for Jesus.
I looked at those times of failed suicide attempts through my sin colored glasses, seeing myself as a failure. But I stand here today to say “I’m not a failure, God saved me from myself.” He knew that I would face some dark moments, He knew what I needed long before I was created, and He was beside me every time I felt alone.
My friends, I don’t know your story. I don’t know what you are facing today. But I hope you know that you are LOVED, VALUED, NEEDED, AND ACCEPTED by THE loving God who created you. If you are like me, struggling to see a reason to live, please hold on to the verses Jeremiah 29:11-13: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” His plans are to give us a future and a hope. That hope came in the form of Jesus. Hold on to Him because He is holding onto you ❤️