How do you talk about the tough subjects with others in a way that makes them feel comfortable? Or is it something we need to adjust for their comfort?
Sean Dietrich posted a blog about suicide this morning. Let’s face it, there is no comfortable way to approach this subject. I have openly talked about my suicide attempts but notice when I do, people pull away. They don’t know how to react. I had a friend with a different reaction that was so sweet. But again, most people are uncomfortable with the subject.
I understand their discomfort. No one wants to think that someone else is so mentally unstable that they would want to die. For some they have never been there and cannot understand it. For others, they know and just don’t want to admit they’ve been there too.
So how do we talk about it? I guess, some would ask, why talk about it. Let’s start with the why first. We (anyone who has dealt with suicide) need to talk about it in order to help others understand our feelings at the time. We need to talk about it in order to help someone else see they are not alone. We need to talk about it in order to help others period. You see, when I was suicidal, I wanted the pain I was feeling to stop. I convinced myself that my family would be better without me. I felt so worthless. I held no value, in my eyes I was unlovable. These feelings are hard to talk about even now, but there is a need to educate within me. Some people feel suicide is a selfish act. Survivors will tell you otherwise, we are only thinking of others. Our minds (the survivors) are in such a state that we think we are doing the world, especially our family a favor by removing ourselves from it. I have struggled with these thoughts for years. I had unhealed childhood trauma that was at the root of these feelings. Therapy is helping me deal with the trauma. Scripture also has helped.
Now to the “how” … it isn’t about how to talk about it, but how to receive the message of it. Grace, compassion and empathy all go a long way. Before you move away from some who is talking about their story, stop for a second and realize we (again survivors) are being vulnerable in that moment sharing with you something that was painful: we are here to tell our story, while others are not. My story shows the power of God, if you will allow me to tell it. My story didn’t end at my hands because God didn’t allow it. I don’t claim to understand why me and not Hannah or Dori, that has been a question I have asked God many times. These two girls are the reason I talk about my attempts. I do not want another family to go through this kind of loss.
Showing someone else you see them as they are, encouraging them to see themselves as God sees them and acknowledging the pain they must have felt is a good way to start receiving their story. Sometimes just listen to the whole story without moving away. Try to understand that not everyone who attempts suicide really wants to die, they just don’t know how to handle what is going on AND feel they have no one to turn to. As survivors talk about their whys, we (the listeners) need to be supportive, not trying to fix what you see as broken. Just because they are sharing their story does not mean they are currently suicidal.
If someone says they are suicidal, please listen. Please don’t judge or minimize the problems they are sharing. Those problems are bigger than life to them, not your life and not your problems. We don’t always have the ability to handle EVERYTHING we see going wrong in our lives. Encourage them to seek help in a loving way. (“Maybe you need to talk to someone who is better qualified than me about all this. I know God is standing beside you and would want you to seek some help.” This is a good start to a good conversation.). Pray for them, pray they will not carry out the desire they feel at that moment. Understand that it is very difficult for someone to express their hidden desire to die to anyone and by expressing it to you, they feel they can trust you.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saved the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18. This verse is a favorite of mine because it speaks the truth to my heart. I needed Him near me when I was crushed in spirit.
I hope you read all of this and maybe see a different way to respond to a very touchy subject. A question to ask someone is “How may I pray for you right now?” Then stop and pray with them right now. Seek out the scriptures that tell us who we are in Christ (I have a devotional coming out on this).
Remember, YOUR WORTH WAS ESTABLISHED ON THE DAY YOU WERE CREATED BY GOD, NO ONE ELSE GETS TO CHANGE THAT WORTH! YOUR VALUE IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE!
Comments