October 2018 was a trying time in my life. My mammogram came back with something abnormal. This is nothing new for me, but things seemed different from the start. I wrote about it for weeks on end (or at least it seemed that way).
Wait six months and start the process over. Six months of waiting. Six months of trying not to think about it. Six months. 4,080 hours. Back in October, I came to terms with whatever it was that was showing up on the mammogram and ultrasound. I placed my trust in God. I made peace with whatever was going to happen.
I moved on with my life, trying not to think about the test that was coming. I had several distractions along the way. Trip to the beach, trip to Vermont, hip surgery and a half-marathon. Oh, and then there is the broken arm of my husband that also offered some distraction. I also had plenty of worship opportunities, I took every one of them that I could see. Let’s also talk about the scripture I found.
Psalm 27:14 “Wait patiently for the LORD. Be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” UGH! Patiently waiting, seriously?! That sounds like an oxymoron to me. First, I am not a patient person. But God clearly wanted me to wait. He wanted me to wait on Him and His timing. It wasn’t really about waiting; it was about surrendering. Surrendering my need to control something I could not. I had to wait on God to show me how to surrender my life, my test results, and gain the life He wanted me to have.
Ephesians 2:8-9 “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” This verse may seem out of place when we are thinking about waiting on results of a test and the affect it will have on me and my loved ones. But this verse hit me because of pride. I am not very prideful, or so I thought, but it is my pride that prevents me from asking for help. My help comes from God (Psalm 121), but I needed to humble myself before the Lord (James 4:10). God wanted me to understand HIS working through this, not mine or doctors. No one can take credit for something God did (does).
2 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” Rejoice, pray, and give thanks all seem fairly easy to do, right? But it is the in all circumstances that is the stumbling block. I am to rejoice in a cancer diagnosis? Yep. I had to come to terms with this verse and how to apply it to “ALL” circumstances. It was not about me; it was about Him being mirrored through me. If I am to show others Christ in me, it has to be every circumstance. Not just the easy ones. So, when I found this verse, it became a prayer. Allow me to rejoice in every circumstance, pray without ceasing through every circumstance and to give thanks for every circumstance so that I can show others who my Savior is.
So now it is six months and I had to return to repeat the process over. At least this time I understood what was going on. When she finally started the ultrasound, I am watching the screen. Lots of grey and white with the occasional black thrown in. But at two and three, there was nothing. She made several passes and finally said, “Hmm, the original mass is missing.” Missing, as in no longer there. The results are still not official; however, the comment gave me all I needed to hear. If there is no longer a mass, there is no need to repeat anything, no more testing and no more crisis. I will take the MIA of this mass, but I would not miss the journey to get me here.
