My blog is designed to use my life experiences to find God's Grace. That means I need to be honest and pretty open. The real trick is to not listen to the whispers I have in my head. Oh you know the ones, they are in your head too. These are the things you hear when you say you want to do something, especially if you feel it is a God thing. So I call them Satan Whispers. When I start to hear them, I pray for God Shouts.
A couple of months ago a friend shared with me that God was leading her to start a ministry for the depressed and anxiety ridden people (also those who have suicide in their lives). I am one of those people. Around the same time, I felt God really encouraging me to write more. I have said that I have written most of my life, that is true and yet not so true. I started writing in High School. I entered a contest at school. Over heard some of my friends making fun of what I had submitted. I never wrote again. It destroyed me. Years later, I would have trouble sleeping so I would tell myself a story in my head. So I tried writing one of the best ones down, but it didn't come out the same way. Pen to paper is very difficult. Flowing conversation in writing is painful. And then come the whispers.
In starting this blog, I heard things like "Why are you writing a blog" "Who is going to read it" And then my favorite "Who cares, really". No one said these things, but I did in my head. It is called negative talking. Apparently I am great at it. My whispers come when I am trying to do something that could help people or help me. They are based on insecurities. I am currently in a group that is using a book, The Storm Inside by Sheila Walsh, as the basis for handling depression and anxiety Biblically. The first scripture is Psalm 34:18-19 "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all." Where was this verse when I was crushed in spirit, so much so that I wanted to die?
Yes, I said die. As an emotional teenager, I wanted to die. I attempted suicide for the first time in my Junior year of high school. I was (am) an awkward girl. Had a guy tell his friends during this time that I was desperate and he could have me if he wanted me. I was the ugly duckling. I had been rejected by so many people, I just stopped trying to have friends. When you let people in, they let you down and hurt you. If you don't let you in, they can not hurt you. Right. They hurt you, you just understand they really are not your friends. I could preach on the subject of teaching your children kindness and being encouragers, but I won't. I attempted several times to die, but failed. Six years ago, I had to deal with suicide in a different way. I understand the feelings of suicide very well, almost as if those feelings are my best friend. A friend of my daughter took her life. Feelings flooded me, feelings I long buried. New ones arose too. I had to deal with the death of a 15 year old coming from a dark place. I tried to explain to a mother once about the feelings of suicide, unfortunately, one of the other mothers shut me down with her "wisdom". Thoughts of ending the pain, saving others from the embarrassment of being associated with you, and just tired of trying all come from the insecurities we feel, along with depression.
I am depressed 90% of the time. I wear great masks. I was taught by a master mask wearer to never take them off. "No one really cares how you are feeling, just answer 'Fine.'" Yes, she actually said that once when I was little. A fun game I like to do now a days is when asked "How are you doing?" answer it honestly. My standard answer is "tired". I am tired--tired of living the life I live, tired of the yelling I receive from someone in my life, tired of the house never staying clean, tired of laundry, shoot I'm even tired of being around people. Tired is a good answer, but it catches people off guard. We have been so programmed to asked "How are you?" and to HEAR "Fine." that anything else, throws us. What if we answered "Insecure"? Think of it, we are ALL insecure about something. So how do we get over them? I'm still working on that answer. But I can only encourage you to find a better identity in Christ. Understand you are uniquely and wonderfully made, you were created and known before you entered into this world. You are a Prince or a Princess of the one True King. YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD and nothing can change that. Start loving yourself through scriptures and pray for God Shouts to lessen the Satan Whispers.
There is a storm brewing inside of me, but this one leads to life not death. I have a new life, one that has taken 43 years to form (for those of you doing the math, the date I was saved, not the day I was actually born). It took me being baptized three times and starting to write what God laid on my heart to get to this new place in life, this new life. So allow me to say...I am a depressed, spiritually, self loathing, but God loving woman. I am also loveable...God loves me if no one else does...