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  • Writer's pictureCrystal

My Painful Bible Study

Several years ago, I wrote something that caused a lot of trouble in my life. I felt God prompting me to write a Bible study. I prayed before starting to write, I asked God to show me what to write and what scriptures I needed.

When I got to a chapter on gossip, God convicted me. He showed me where I had been wrong. (He likes doing that from time to time.). He also showed me a situation that I had been involved in that I used to write about being on the receiving end of gossip. Friendships ended because of what I wrote.

Now God has brought the Bible Study back up. I have had people read it and say it was good. I even had an editor read it, make a few suggestions. She said women would benefit from reading it.

I cannot seem to bring myself to open it up, to rework it. The hurt that was inflected on me, just will not go away. I have worked through forgiveness and am not holding a grudge. I can honestly say, I have given it all to God. But the memories are still there. Fresh & raw.

During the writing process, I found key verses that stay with me. One in particular is Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know I am God.” I love this verse because it calls us to STOP! Just stop. Stop thinking, stop hurting, stop the whole conversation. The second call is to KNOW. In our own understanding, we can comprehend who God is. But understanding and practicing are two different things. Knowing He is God means to allow Him control over those areas we do not want Him a part of. We are fine with the “I’m in trouble God, Help” kind of God. We are fine with the “I really want this thing, God” kind of God. It is the in charge of life decisions, the waiting on His answer that we are not okay with.

When I write, I feel connected to Him in a way that I do not in any other way. He is sitting right next to me, dictating to me the words He wants me to write. He shows me the scripture I need in my life and in my writing. I picked verse 10 because I needed to “Be Still”. But allow me to show you verse 1, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” He desires to help when we are in trouble. And let’s face it, we are in trouble most of the time. The things we say to others often get played over & over in the minds of others. Sometimes getting twisted into a mess. Other times, it is more of a dismissal.

I wrote something that struck a nerve in someone else. Because of that, I closed the writing department for several years. I put what I wrote up and refused to look at it again. Until I signed up for the She Speaks Conference. I opened it with a prayer for fresh eyes. I read it and failed to see where I was airing my grievances. What I read was something written from the heart. What I felt when I read it, was a work that could get women to examine their own hearts.

I cannot make the memories from what happened go away, but I can take a fresh look and at them and use them to make a better Bible Study. Who knows maybe one day, you will be using it in your church.

Psalms are a gift from God

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