Updated: Oct 26, 2018
Since June I have been training for a half marathon. Since April I have been trying to get answers about what is wrong with my hip. I can’t move certain ways. Last week while on vacation I got my answers. I am now facing hip surgery.
I have struggled with motivation for years. I am not motivated to be active. I am not motivated to change my eating habits. I am not motivated to change. I finally get motivated to change, join Weight Watchers and the gym, only to discover I have some medical issues that cannot be overlooked. Disappointment has set in with depression in tow.
Hello brownies, cookies and just sweets in general. These are my go-to when I am depressed. I like sweets anyway, they offer instant gratification. And before too long, they offer much more (of me). The difference between me today and the old me is I understand my depressed state. I may enjoy the doughnut now, but I will hate myself later.
So how am I going to handle my depressed state now? Scripture and prayer. By staying the course even if it means not getting to do what I want do. By writing about my frustrations, discoveries, and even my setbacks. When I started this blog, it was about using my life experiences to point to God’s Grace. What better place to find God’s Grace than in a major disappointment.
Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Did you see that last part? “Crushed in spirit” that’s me! I am so crushed because the plans I made are crumbling. My goal of walking at a reasonable pace the Princess Run is slowly slipping away. And I am crushed. It was a pretty big goal for me, especially for one who hates to exercise.
Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” These two verses will now be my lifeline. I cannot know why I am not able to physically pursue this race, but I know He has a reason for it. I have to rely on Him because He does work things for His good and He has all the understanding.
Philippians 4:6-7 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” I am not at a place to receive this peace yet. I have had too much to process to get there. I have prayed, and I have prayed again, but I have not released control. I have not expressed my need nor my appreciation.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” It is hard to ignore the “praying“ and the “thanking“ that we find in God’s word. If we are so focused on our problems, worries, troubles, then we fail to see where God fits into them. This verse alone has spoken volumes to me in the last month and a half. Our health and finances are where most of our worries come from. The older we get these two areas really do become front and center. When you are younger with small kids, your focus is on them. College enters the scene and your focus shifts. Have something go wrong in your body and suddenly you find a new focus. But this verse says REJOICE ALWAYS. While you are rejoicing, PRAY. And then while you are rejoicing and praying, THANK God for ALL circumstances. Yes, all. So, I am done with the pity party because God showed up and said He wasn’t going to allow me to wallow in my misery. He showed up with a Blog and some verses to show me how to handle my disappointment.
So, Princess Run 2019 may turn into Princess Run 2020. Waiting on doctors and insurance to move forward seems to be my normal right now. How can you pray for me? Well, answers for hip surgery, insurance to approve MRI for diagnosis regarding questionable mammogram, and understanding/support from family & friends.