Life is not the same without you. I understand it was your time to go, but I needed more time. I needed a little more conversation. I needed one more hug. I still need those things, but life goes on even when you wish it could stand still.
There are so many things that have happened since you left. Somethings you would love, while others you would not. I wish I could see your faces when you saw your granddaughter for the first time since she grew up. There is a conversation I would love to have with you. I could catch you up on her life, but not here.
I would love to hear the conversations we would have had regarding our country and who is leading it. In so many ways I am glad you are not here for that. There is so much hate now, so easy to offend, to voice an attack on social media, so many senseless deaths. No, I am glad you missed out on that.
I know you have greeted friends and loved ones who have joined you. Grief is a funny thing. It doesn’t just happen when we lose that loved one, or while we are losing them; no, it happens at strange times. I think I am grieving again… for lost time, wasted time, and happier times. I do not seem to have very many happier times since you lift. My life is a mess and I need you here not there. I am struggling with relationships in general. It is a trust issue, a judgement issue, a broken issue, a rebellion issue. I know you could not fix it, but I always felt better after talking to you. Wisdom of parents.
Let’s see, since you left, I have watched your granddaughter go through a variety of changes. She lost her best friend years ago; guess you may have met her. (If you get a chance, tell Hannah hello for us and that we miss her too.). I think you probably have had a front row seat watching her grow up. She has such a delightful sense of humor. I see you both in her, but also Lester is in there too. (That part frightens me a little.) I wonder how she would have turned out if you had not left her at such an early age. She needed you in her life. Even though we did not agree of techniques in raising a child, she could have benefited from a good relationship with you both. I have had to learn to let go of my ideas of who she should be or could be. She is her own person and has her own mistakes to make. My new job is to pray (A LOT).
As for me, I too have changed. I have started writing, panting, and drawing. I find all of them relax me. We have gotten more involved in our church. I have really started studying the Bible, not just reading it, but getting into verses that register in my soul. This is another conversation I would love to have face to face. I have always had faith, but not to the depth I have now. I have gone through some heartbreak that made me turn to scripture. A friendship gone wrong really did a number on my trust issues. I believe one day that friend will come back into my life and we will be able to sit down and talk about what happened. But if not, then God did not want it. I have learned if God is not in the relationship, then the relationship will fail. (Sometimes it fails anyway because we are human and selfish.)
I could write for days and not catch you up on everything that has happened or that is happening. I just needed to write you a little right now. I find I miss you more each day we are not together. I wish I could have changed our relationship before you left, but that was not possible. Egos, pride, and poor communication seem to be at war in our relationships at times. Amazing how communication can go so wrong so quickly.
Enough rambling…Gosh I miss you. Give hugs for me to everyone. I can’t wait to see you! “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelations 21:4. I look forward to this day! There’s a river of tears somewhere that bears my name. This verse will dry that river up and turn it into something glorious!
I love you both…
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