I have walked where you are currently standing. You are gripped with fear. The fear that others will know your secret or worse that he will return to your life and you have to face your assault in real time again.
Keeping it in will only keep you rooted in place, surrounded by fear. Regardless of what others have told you, you are not at fault for your rape. No matter the circumstances, you did not agree, and you need to stop believing those lies. He made a decision; you were just a conquest. The lies he believes are not yours to own. So, release yourself from those lies that tie you to your attacker.
Do you believe God loves you? After my rape, I could not believe that truth. I buried my rape and moved on without a thought. I was able to be the great pretender, to the point I believed it myself. Romans 8:37-39 “No, in all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Nothing, not even the lies we believe, can separate us from the Love of God!
Married and involved with my church, never understanding why I kept looking over my shoulder. Fear of seeing him was always present. Years went by and I became less fearful until Facebook. I knew there was a possibility that he would find me, but I buried that fear. Then a message popped up in Messenger. I had been found. Nausea set in and sleep escaped me. Then someone said something in a lesson that resonated. “I tell my story so that Satan cannot use any hidden part against me.” Oh, I argued with God. And then I thought I would just write something and never publish it. But as I wrote, I knew I had to post the blog.
Peace can be yours! The support I received was overwhelming. But the person it reached, meant more to me than any of the support from others. There is a peace that has settled over me. It is not just because I shared my story publicly, but that I was able to forgive him. I could pray for him without judgement or pain. That was the most freeing. My friend, you need to find a way to work through forgiveness. By not forgiving him, you are keeping yourself tied to him and it is hurting your relationship with God.
What helped me the most, was writing down what happened. In writing down, it purged it from me, and I was able to see where I needed to forgive. I had to forgive him so that I could release him from my life. Then I needed to forgive myself. I held myself responsible and the choices I made after were all my mistakes. My mistakes defined me until I was able to forgive myself. I hope you find this helpful. I want you to be free of this pain. I am praying for you.
You know who this friend is, where I don’t. Please help them find this and take it to heart. The pain of rape is overwhelming at times, but You are the great healer. I ask for healing to take place. What started as just a writing challenge has become so much more for me. Thank you for your love and for your forgiveness, we need both. Give us your peace, Father. Teach us to release the unforgiven in our lives. In your name I pray…Amen