There is a piece of jewelry that pops up on my newsfeed on Facebook. It is one with different size rectangle cubic zirconia in a row. It is called “Beautifully Broken” and contains a written piece of encouragement. When I see it, I think about how many different ways I have experienced brokenness and God’s healing hand.
Years ago when I was a teenager, I felt alone. I did not fit into one place or another. I felt the sting of rejection at school and at home. My perception was that of “no one loved me.” I had no one to talk to about how I was feeling. Often, I found a lecture at home for sharing something that someone else said or did. I had friends at school and church; however, after experiencing some betrayals, I learned that not all were trustworthy. Suicide was my only thought. I was depressed and during those times of depression, dark thoughts formed.
I was definitely broken, but there was nothing beautiful about me. I had a guy friend share what another friend had said about me in high school years later. The sting of that comment and opinion brought up so many emotions and hurts from that time. I had to deal with them, something I had never really done. I did not deal with them in a healthy way either time they came up. I felt unlovable.
My identity was forming, and it was not a healthy one. Grades did not seem to matter at home. I got the same response with a “D” as I did as an “A”. No encouragement to succeed or apply myself. So, I didn’t. I heard statements of shame instead. Words like “could be” were detrimental to me. When I heard I could be something, I took it that I was not that already. I heard I could be smart, meaning I am not. I could be beautiful, meaning I am not. Shame shaped me into an insecure female with raging hormones without a healthy outlet. I felt I did not belong anywhere. I was unlovable and stupid.
The choices I made as a young adult did not help change my identity. Loneliness and a desire to feel loved made me vulnerable to unscrupulous guys. I felt a warped sense of love. My choices in guys would later come back to haunt me. My desire to change those choices I had given into lead to a choice to become a purer self with God at the center of my life. That last all of an hour because the guy I was a chaperone with raped me. Back to being unlovable. How could God love me? I told one person about the rape. I added to my shame filled identity with a healthy dose of “you asked for it”. Undeserving of love.
Broken and unlovable and stupid, those were the lies I believed. BUT GOD. I love that statement, “BUT GOD” because it brings hope. But God would not allow me to stay stuck in my shame, in my lie believing life. God provided a path to understanding and forgiveness. God showed me how broken can be beautiful. When God glues the pieces back together of our brokenness, it is a beautiful piece of art. Like the Japanese Kintsugi pottery. They take the broken pieces and glue them back together with a rice glue paste and gold. The new creation is a beautiful piece of art.
Brokenness is difficult for us to see beauty in, BUT GOD only sees the beauty. We cannot see the beauty until we see ourselves though Christ. Who we are in Christ. That is how God sees us. He sees us whole and worthy to be called child of God (John 1:12). We are adopted into His family, we are given the privilege of calling Him “Abba Father” (Romans 8:15) and we are made whole through Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17). Nowhere is perfect, easy or straight; however, trusting His guidance with each bump or curve we experience, helps us change our identity and our ability to rely on Him.
I am beautifully broken only through Christ.